Why Putin/Palin would be a Winning Ticket for Republicans in 2016
by Seriously Skewed
The inspiration for the following satire came from my friend Jim C (who doesn’t want his last name revealed just in case).
The dream team. Batman and Robin. Beauty and the beast (with that steely look and aura of power, Putin cuts a dashing figure). These are just some of the names that this dynamic duo will be called, once the Republicans nominate their candidates for the 2016 presidential run.
You may be surprised by this choice, but it makes a lot of sense. By combining the complementary talents of Vladimir Putin and Sarah Palin, the GOP will be able to appeal to a wide swath of American voters.
So what are the benefits of such an unusual partnership on big political issues?
A common criticism of Palin has been that she lacks foreign policy experience, so what better way to address that than to pair her up with a foreigner? Putin also has considerable experience in that arena: not only has he been around the block, but he has even gassed the block many times to get rid of insurgents and political enemies. With Putin at the wheel, Palin need not worry about pesky world affairs at all.
The Republicans want guns in the hands of all Americans so that they can overthrow their government by force if they choose to (even though most Americans have signed a piece of paper at some point in their lives saying they wouldn’t). But standing for that loses the GOP the votes of liberals and many independents. Enter Putin…and the problem is solved. Under a Putin administration, Americans will be able to own all the guns they want without endangering the nation, for Putin himself will have a nuclear weapon at his disposal, which he will not hesitate to use if people get out of control.
With minority voters growing rapidly in number in the United States, the Republicans simply cannot win elections without somehow keeping those voters away from the polls. But while Palin might have this problem, Putin does not, as he has demonstrated convincingly many times in his own homeland. When Putin runs for office, he gets all the votes he needs, every time; and with the FSB (the successor to the KGB) behind him, he can also apply his magic to undecided voters, who will be ‘decided’ very quickly in 2016. Game over!
With the US facing a big budget deficit problem and with the Republicans looking to cut government expenditures any way they can, Putin and Palin can save us a bundle in phone and internet access charges by simply shouting at each other from where Palin can see Russia from Alaska. Similarly, we could sell the White House to Larry Silverstein and Putin could just take a rowboat across from Russia to Palin’s house and use that as his command center. Finally, think of all the money Putin can save us by using his leftover stationary, pens, paperclips, presidential portraits (by cropping out the Russian flag), and other supplies from his days at the Kremlin instead of having American taxpayers pay for those things.
This is one area where Putin and Palin agree wholeheartedly. There is nothing wrong and no need for change. All that ‘science’ behind global warming, is after all, hokey and a big liberal conspiracy, right? The only issue are all those environmentalists and scientists who keep scaring voters with their bullshit, but Putin can deal with that. His men have a lot of experience in taking care of inconvenient people, and the tree huggers will get along well with all those investigative journalists and Amnesty International activists currently sitting in Siberia.
Under Putin, there would never have been an NSA spying scandal. Under Putin, no one would have ever known there was an agency known as the NSA, let alone that they were spying on anyone. It is only because of the inherent weakness of a democracy that stupid stuff like this comes out, and if voters understand that fact, they will vote for Putin/Palin. Plus, with Edward Snowden sitting in Russia, we have nothing more to worry about on that score. Most importantly though, with Putin on our side, America can stop worrying about Russia screwing up our mojo in the Middle East and selling arms to rogue nations.
For all these reasons, I believe that the Republicans would do well to float the idea to Putin and Palin without delay, and start positioning the two candidates for the big run. After all, what could be a more appropriate and successful Republican team than a crafty dictator and a Big-Slurpee-chugging soccer mom who can defeat any fact known to man by just not being aware of it and whose motto seems to be “Why think if you don’t have to?”?